Is Shared Custody Working for Your Dog? Signs to Watch For

When a relationship ends, deciding what's best for your dog can feel overwhelming. Many separating couples choose to try shared custody, hoping to maintain their bond with their beloved pet while ensuring the dog stays connected to both people. It's a decision made with love and good intentions.

But how do you know if the arrangement is actually working for your dog?

Unlike us, dogs can't tell us in words how they're feeling about the changes in their lives. They can't express that the constant back-and-forth between homes is confusing, or that they're anxious about the tension they sense. Instead, they communicate through their behavior. Learning to read these signals is essential for anyone navigating pet custody after separation.

Understanding Stress in Dogs During Divorce

Dogs are deeply attuned to their owners' emotions. The strain of divorce doesn't go unnoticed by them—they feel the tension, sense the sadness, and pick up on the upheaval in their household. This stress is inevitable during a separation, but the good news is that dogs are remarkably resilient. Unlike people, they don't tend to get stuck in difficult feelings. Once their circumstances stabilize, they typically settle and move forward.

The exception here is rescue dogs who've experienced significant trauma in their past. These dogs may need more time and support to adjust to major changes.

When you're trying out a shared custody arrangement, it's important to give your dog time to adjust. A couple of weeks of confusion is completely normal when routines change or when one owner moves out. However, by observing your dog's behavior over time, you can determine whether the arrangement is sustainable or whether modifications are needed.

Short-Term Signs of Stress

These are the immediate signals your dog may show when feeling worried or uncertain. You might notice these during transitions between homes or in the early stages of a new arrangement:

Tail Tucking: When a dog drops their tail low toward the ground or tucks it against their belly, they're showing nervousness. This posture is their way of making themselves small and hiding their scent. You might notice this especially when you call your dog or use their name if they're feeling worried.

Yawning: Just like people, dogs yawn to relieve tension. While yawning can happen when a dog is excited (like on the way to the park), if your dog is quiet or withdrawn and yawning frequently, it's a signal of unease.

Avoiding Eye Contact: If your dog suddenly starts turning their head away from people or looking away when someone enters the house or when arriving at a new place, something is worrying them. Avoiding eye contact is how dogs try to prevent conflict—they may be anticipating tension between people or fearing it might be directed at them.

Licking Their Nose: You've probably seen dogs stick their tongues out and lick their noses when greeting other dogs or people. This is both a friendly gesture and a sign of worry or fear. When dogs feel overwhelmed, the tongue-flick action signals to everyone around them: "I'm worried, I'm not a threat, please don't hurt me."

Shaking Off: After getting wet or waking from a nap, dogs naturally shake their whole body. But if your dog has been awake for a long time and isn't fresh from a bath, shaking off like they're wet is a way to relieve tension. Like yawning, this can happen when a dog is overstimulated with happiness, but if the dog doesn't appear joyful, the shaking indicates tension.

Excessive Panting: If your dog isn't hot but suddenly starts panting, it's a strong indication they're worried about what's happening around them.

Know Your Dog's Normal

There's no one-size-fits-all description of a stressed dog. Some dogs "act in" and become withdrawn, while others "act out" and become reactive or hyper. The clearest sign of stress is behavior that's out of character for your particular dog.

For example, if you have a naturally busy, energetic dog who suddenly becomes withdrawn, disinterested, or hesitant, this may signal that something isn't right. Conversely, if your dog is normally easy going and relaxed but starts overreacting to stimuli or getting manic about things, that's equally concerning. Remember: excited doesn't always mean happy.

Long-Term Signs of Stress

If a custody arrangement isn't working for your dog, you'll likely see more persistent behavioral changes. These signals tend to develop gradually and can be subtle or obvious depending on your dog's personality.

Important note: All of these behaviors can also indicate illness, so if you notice any of the following, your first step should be a veterinary check-up to rule out medical causes.

Inappropriate Toilet Habits: Dogs who were previously housetrained may start urinating or defecating indoors. Peeing, especially, is a self-soothing behavior dogs engage in when they don't feel settled or relaxed in a particular place. If this behavior starts after your dog has been living in a home for a while, or gets worse over time, it's a sign of stress.

Aggressive Behavior Toward People or Dogs: Becoming irritable, snappy, or reactive in situations where your dog used to be relaxed is one of the most common signs of stress. They may seem to have a short fuse and act out of character. This happens because a stressed dog is tense and has less patience with people or dogs coming close to them.

Excessive Sleeping: The flip side of reactivity is withdrawal. A dog who copes with stress by sleeping much more than normal—especially if they were previously bouncy and playful—is showing you they're struggling. While age naturally changes sleep patterns, healthy dogs don't suddenly sleep all the time unless something has shifted.

Destructive Behavior: Energetic dogs may chew or destroy parts of the house if they're not getting enough exercise. However, if your dog's physical needs are being met and they're still demolishing furniture regularly, it may be their way of relieving stress.

Avoiding Social Interaction: If your previously social dog starts staying away from people and other dogs, pay attention. While some alone time is normal and healthy, a dramatic shift toward isolation can indicate stress.

Loss of Appetite: Dogs often won't eat when they're full of anxiety. Occasional meal-skipping happens to most dogs, but if it's a regular occurrence or if your dog has lost weight unexplainably, it may be due to emotional distress.

Skin Problems and Self-Soothing Behaviors: If there's no medical reason for it, some dogs start chewing the pads of their feet, licking raw spots on their fur, or experiencing excessive shedding. These behaviors become a way to deal with a difficult living situation and calm themselves down.

What to Do If You Notice These Signs

If you're seeing signs of stress in your dog, don't panic. Here's what you should do:

Keep track and observe: Document when you notice these behaviors. Do they happen more at one house than the other? Are they worse after transitions? Do they appear at certain times? Keeping a simple log can help you identify patterns.

Remember that some adjustment is normal: A couple of weeks of confusion is expected when routines change or when one owner moves out. Give your dog time to adapt before making any major decisions.

If signs persist, consult with a professional: If the stress signals continue beyond the initial adjustment period, it's time to re-evaluate your plan. A pet custody specialist can help you understand what your dog needs and find an arrangement that works better for everyone.

Consider modifications to your arrangement: The reality is that 50/50 time splits between houses can be hard for most dogs. Weekly house swaps tend to be especially difficult. Many dogs do better with one clear primary home and regular visits to the other person—perhaps every second weekend. Alternatively, some dogs handle longer stays better, such as spending one month at a time with each person, rather than frequent switches.

Your Dog's Wellbeing Comes First

Trying shared custody shows how much you both love your dog. You want to maintain your relationship with them, and that's admirable. But the most loving thing you can do is pay attention to what your dog is telling you through their behavior.

Some dogs adapt beautifully to shared custody arrangements. Others struggle no matter how much love and care they receive at both homes. There's no shame in recognizing that what you hoped would work simply isn't working for your particular dog. The willingness to observe, adapt, and prioritize your dog's wellbeing above all else—that's what truly loving dog ownership looks like.

Your dog depends on you to read the signs and make the decision that's in their best interest. By staying attuned to their behavior and being willing to adjust your plans, you're giving your dog exactly what they need during this challenging transition.

If you're navigating pet custody decisions and need guidance on what arrangement might work best for your dog, consulting with a pet custody specialist can help you create a plan that prioritizes your dog's wellbeing while respecting both people's relationships with the pet. Visit whokeepsthedog.com for more information