Navigating Pet Custody and Children During and After Divorce
Divorce involving children is never easy, but when you add a beloved dog or cat into the picture, things become even more complex and emotional for everyone involved. As divorce professionals, you play a crucial role in helping families navigate these decisions with care and foresight. This article provides guidelines to help your clients address the question of "who keeps the dog (or cat)?" in a way that minimizes conflict in both the short and long term, while maintaining realistic expectations about the feasibility of custody plans and prioritizing the wellbeing of the animals.
When Separating or Divorcing Parents Have Pets in the Home
Encourage discussion about pets early in the process. Leaving the conversation about a dog or cat's future as an afterthought makes the decision harder and more emotional for everyone. When the subject of pets is delayed—even unintentionally—it becomes more difficult to think clearly about the animal's best interests. Instead, the pet may become a bargaining chip or negotiation tactic. Addressing pet custody early helps families create plans that truly consider what's best for the animal, rather than treating them as property to be divided like furniture.
Consider the dog's actual relationship with the child. When parents consider having a dog move between homes with a child, it's essential to honestly assess whether the dog is truly bonded to that child. While the desire to provide children with stability and comfort through a familiar pet is completely understandable, the dog's needs and capacity must be carefully evaluated.
Not all dogs have the personality or temperament to serve as emotional support for children. If a dog doesn't actively seek out the child's company, doesn't follow them around the house, seems uncomfortable when the child is upset, or avoids interaction with the child, parents should seriously reconsider the plan to have the dog move between homes with the child. In these cases, it may actually be more stressful for the pet to be separated repeatedly from the adult with whom they're most bonded or upon whom they most rely.
Understand that shared custody is not always in the dog's best interest. The most common misconception in pet custody matters is the belief that shared custody is inherently beneficial for dogs. From a canine behavior and welfare standpoint, shared custody is often not ideal and is rarely recommended by animal behavior experts. Frequent transitions between homes can induce stress and anxiety in dogs, potentially leading to unsustainable outcomes. What appears to be a fair compromise for the humans involved may actually postpone an inevitable decision about sole ownership.
Although shared custody may seem to alleviate short-term emotional distress for the family, it can ultimately prove stressful for both the animals and the people involved. Shared custody may be viable only if the dog is exceptionally adaptable and easygoing, and if both co-owners maintain a consistently peaceful and cooperative dynamic. Dogs are highly attuned to conflict and can absorb tension between their owners, much like children do. Many dogs experience significant stress from fluctuating routines, which can manifest as anxiety, health issues, or behavioral problems.
Cats need to live in one home. Except in highly unique circumstances, moving between two homes is not sustainable for cats. Because of their strong territorial instincts, cats need one stable place to call home. For children who love cats, the best solution may be having a cat at each parent's house rather than attempting shared custody. Be mindful of the fundamental differences between species when helping clients navigate living arrangements for their pets.
Setting Families Up for Success When Sharing a Dog
Both parents must agree on basic house rules and routines. When a dog moves between homes with a child, consistency is essential. If the dog is allowed to sleep on the bed or sit on furniture in one home but not the other, this creates confusion and stress. Both parents need to maintain the same broad set of rules and expectations for the dog to provide the best chance for a successful arrangement.
Facilitate transitions with decompression time. During the transition to the other parent's home, suggest that someone immediately take the dog for a walk. The switch to a different house always requires an adjustment period for dogs—for some it's a few hours, for others it may be a few days. The best way to facilitate an easier changeover is for the dog to walk and sniff around the neighborhood before going inside. Walking and sniffing for at least 20 minutes allows dogs to decompress and helps them reorient themselves to the environment.
If a child tends to immediately hug or cuddle the dog upon arrival, encourage parents to help them understand that the most loving thing they can do is take the dog for a walk first. This simple practice minimizes stress for everyone—the dog, the child, and the adults.
Maintain similar routines in both homes. Basic home routines should be as similar as possible, especially regarding meal times and exercise. If a dog spends an hour running with one parent every day but only receives a five-minute walk around the block at the other house, you can expect to see anxious or destructive behavior from the dog. Consistency in meeting the dog's physical and mental stimulation needs is crucial.
Watch for signs that the arrangement isn't working. Any change in a dog's behavior needs to be taken seriously. Remind your clients to watch carefully for signs of stress, including:
Reluctance to enter or exit the car during handoffs
Whining, shivering, or shaking when approaching the other home
Inappropriate elimination inside the house
Increased aggressive or defensive body language
Destructive behaviors
Loss of appetite after transitioning to the other home
If the dog displays any of these behaviors consistently, they may not be coping well with having two homes. When this happens, the best outcome for the dog is typically to live with one parent permanently. Ideally, the other parent might consider getting a dog that lives exclusively with them. In this way, the child could develop special relationships with two beloved pets, and both dogs could live in peace and stability.
Karis Nafte is a leading figure in the field of pet custody mediation as the founder of Who Keeps the Dog, Pet Custody Mediation. With over 25 years of experience, she is a Certified Dog Behavior Consultant (IAABC No. 6602) and an Accredited Family Mediator. Karis specializes in guiding families through the complexities of pet custody disputes arising from separation, divorce, or other life transitions, combining her expertise in canine behavior with mediation skills to prioritize the welfare of all parties involved.
As a global thought leader and published author, Karis recently released Who Keeps the Dog: Navigating Pet Custody During Divorce (Dogwise, 2024), the first book on this topic written by a dog behavior expert. She has also developed an innovative training program to teach best practices in pet custody to divorce professionals. Karis practices in South Africa, the UK, Australia, and the United States. For more information, visit whokeepsthedog.com.
