Navigating Pet Custody After a Breakup: 5Tips for a Peaceful Resolution

"Help! My partner and I have split up, and I'm so worried about our dog. What do we do?"

It's understandable that this is a difficult question to even ask, and a challenging conversation to start, especially given how much you both care about your dog. To help facilitate a resolution that is in the best interest of your beloved pet, I've outlined these five tips to keep the process of discussing pet custody peaceful and productive:

1.  Start the conversation about your dog as soon as possible after the relationship ends.

I know the idea of discussing your dog's custody may feel overwhelming or too emotional to even contemplate. However, it’s much better to address it rather than ignore it until you have no choice. Starting the conversation is often a relief, and more importantly, it prevents the question of "who keeps the dog?" from looming over all the other issues that need to be negotiated. Making a decision together can also help you avoid a worst-case scenario where negotiations devolve into a fight that ends up in court.

2.  Create a written agreement.

Even with the very best intentions, verbal agreements may not hold over the years. In order to protect everyone’s peace of mind and to prevent any possible conflicts in the future, write down the agreed plan for the dog. 

3.  Prioritize your dog’s long-term well-being, connections and needs.

It may sound simple and obvious to do what's best for the dog, but that perspective can easily be lost, especially when things get heated. Even with good intentions, the dialogue can quickly shift into a fight between the two of you, instead of genuinely focusing on the dog's needs.

Most dogs have a primary person they are most bonded with, even when they live with a couple. Take an objective look at you, your ex, and your dog. What does your dog need to thrive and be content? If you have a very active dog, the person who exercises them the most is likely the one they are most attached to. Or, if your dog is more sedate or nervous, they may gravitate toward the individual who has a more naturally calm demeanor. Also factor in work schedules, home environment and financial responsibilities. 

4.  Consider shared custody carefully.

Not all dogs cope well with permanently moving between two homes. For dogs who become stressed and anxious, a shared custody arrangement may not be fair. Shared custody is more likely to work for dogs who are easy-going, confident, healthy, and mellow. If your dog is elderly, a guarding or herding breed, has a stressful background, or doesn't handle change well, living in two homes is likely to be distressing. In addition, if you and your ex are unlikely to maintain a peaceful relationship, long-term shared custody is likely to stress your dog.

5.  Be cautious about offering unrestricted visitation.

While offering your former partner permission to visit with the dog might be a kind gesture, make sure to set up clear boundaries. If your ex has agreed to let you keep the dog, it’s understandable to want to offer them unlimited visits, especially if you are relieved that they are not fighting for custody. However, doing so means you're also giving your ex permission to step in and out of your life for potentially many years to come. If you do want to allow for visitations consider and agreement to reassess this every three months to see if it is still working for everyone involved.

From the dog’s perspective, visits from a previous pet parent can be unsettling. While the reunions are certainly exciting, the disappointment when that person leaves can be difficult. The dog might be left wondering when that special person will reappear, which can lead to anxious and stressed behaviors.

My role as a pet custody mediator is to help couples find a solution that feels fair and reasonable to both parties and, most importantly, ensures the long-term happiness and comfort of their beloved pet. As a dog behaviorist, I help owners understand and address behavioral challenges that may arise at any time, with a special focus on divorce, family transitions, and integrating new people and animals.