Difficult conversations about pets in divorce
Pet custody is a complicated and delicate subject. Divorce mediators regularly tell me they don’t even know where to start when they have clients who are trying to decide what will happen with their beloved pets after a separation.
Over the years as an animal behaviorist, pet custody specialist and mediator I have distilled these practical tips to share with divorce professionals to guide the process toward a productive dialogue with their clients. My goal is that the resolution is best for the pets involved by focusing on their long-term well-being and at the same time meeting the needs of the people.
These are some important things to consider:
1) Start talking about the dog as soon as possible.
During mediation the idea of considering dog’s custody may feel too overwhelming or emotional to even think about, but it is much better to address it than ignore it until they have no choice. It is normally a relief once the conversation is started, and more importantly, this will stop the question of “who keeps the dog?” looming around in the background over the rest of the issues that need to be negotiated. Making the choice between the two of them can also help avoid the worst-case scenario when a negotiation about a dog turns into a fight that may get taken to court.
2) Ask your clients if they can agree to make a long-term plan that is the best for
their dog.
It may sound simple and obvious to do what is best for the dog, but it is very easy to lose perspective, especially when things become heated between the two parties! Even with good intentions, the dialogue may easily shift into a fight between them, instead of genuinely discussing the question from the dog’s point of view. If this happens, pause the conversation, ask to come back when they can both focus on their dog. Then do your best to keep the conversation focused on the dog and to save other difficult subjects for another time.
3) Most dogs do have one primary person they are bonded with, even when they live with a couple.
Help the parties look at themselves, their ex, and their dog objectively. Think about what the dog needs to thrive and which one of them the dog seems to think is their primary person. If they have a very active and busy dog, the person who exercises the dog the most is probably the one the dog would be the most attached to. If the dog is a more sedate and nervous soul, it may gravitate to the individual who has a more naturally calm nature. And some dogs simply have a preference for one person and no one can exactly say why.
4) Shared custody can be hard for dogs.
It may seem to work for a few months initially, but few dogs cope well with moving between two homes in the long term. Maintaining a shared custody schedule for a dog who becomes stressed and anxious is certainly not fair. Living peacefully with shared custody is much more likely for dogs who are exceptionally easy-going, confident, healthy and have a mellow character. If the dog is elderly, a guarding or herding breed, comes from a abusive background, is easily stressed, or doesn’t handle change well, living in two homes is less likely to be fair for the dog.
5) Giving permission to their former partner to visit the dog anytime may not work out so well in the long run.
If their ex has agreed to let the other party keep the dog it is a kind and reasonable thing to offer them to come to visit the dog at agreed upon times, especially if he or she is relived that they are not fighting for custody of the dog. However, this means that person is also giving their ex permission to step in and out of their life for potentially many years to come. If there are no children that would otherwise keep them in contact, allowing for ongoing visits will keep the two of them in contact and communication when things might be better off with a clear and clean separation from each other.
From the dog’s perspective, visits from a previous pet parent can be unsettling. While the reunion is certainly very exciting, the disappointment when that person disappears may cause them more stress or confusion because they don’t know when that special person will reappear in their orbit again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you would like to sign up for the November Pet Custody Course please follow this link for details:
https://www.whokeepsthedog.com/november-pet-custody-course
Ontario Mediators get a discount if you sign up before October 21st!
Karis Nafte CDBC, is a Pet Custody Specialist and the founder of Who Keeps the Dog, A Certified Dog Behavior Consultant (CDBC) & Accredited Family Mediator, Karis brings 25 years of experience as a dog behavior expert into the divorce world. She see clients worldwide and regularly works in collaboration with mediators and attorneys whose clients need support in pet custody matters. An educator and speaker, Karis developed the first pet custody education course for divorce professionals who want to know how to best look after the needs of pets during divorce.
A presenter at the American Bar Association, the Association of Professional Family Mediators, and International Mediation Week, Karis has been featured in the Associated Press, VICE News, ABC News, Scripps New, New York Post, and “Australian Dog Lover Magazine” and many more.
